Listin to this....my friend thomas has been my friend for 3 and 1/2 years now...it wasn't till band i started to really like him.But, he liked my best friend rami...so i got over it and let those to date...when they broke up thomas got depressed during B.O.A. so i hanged out wit him and we laught and huged and kinda flirted....wasn't till 3 weeks ago i found out he had a myspace..so i added him, we started to flirt..and he asked if i liked him.And i do...So i said yes.
He said you know it's much better if one ask one out with out getting someone els to do it....So i asked him out.
    this is what he said.

"thank u god ive been sitting her trying to get u to ask 4 ur self and finally after all this it comes out....... but more seriously i have to think about cause ive been trying to avoid women since carolanne turned me down but i know u wouldnt do me wrong cause u seem like a good person "

Now today....i am supose to get the answer...i can't wait..if we go out......i'll be so happy.

Cause he was there when my heart was broken by John...I was there for him when no one wanted to go out with him...talking till 4:30 in the morin...shows that we are kinda really good freinds we laught,smile,joke,play,talk,frown,mown,and so much more together "just  over the phone too"

I just hope he'll say yes......cause it hurts not knowing what he is thinking...

513.571.6597 




need to remeber this...

Dear journal.....

Looked at the sky today in the middle of 8th period....made me cry with the blues and the white...Thinking of loseing my mom kinda scared me...I mean from What happened to my friend Kalay , she lost her dad.Oh i don't know what i would do if i ever lost my dad or sister or bro or mom...I would die.
      All tho there is all kinds of bulshit going on i find a way to keep calm..I don't know how i do it at all.I keep my head on my sholders and take large deep breath...
Sometimes i wish time could stop and i could look up at the sky more and more...The sky keeps me calm.Makes my thoughts clear.




Anyways. I got to talk to my mom a little more..I didn't tell her how i feel because all she will think i am trying to make drama so i keep away from all of it...Oh All Well I give up!


On may /12/07 will be 4 mounths i been going out wit john....kisses Ewwww you know how hard it is to kiss him!!! I must be one good kisser because i can avoid hitting those teeth....hhhhuuuummmm

Current Mood: calm

           She made me all happy thinking she would spend time with me. The blows off the exsitment by saying "we'er going to go get flowers"
 I HATE FLOWERS !!! I HATE PLANTING THEM!!! AND I HATE WORKING IN THE GARDEN!!!!
      I have told her that for 2 years and when i finaly get her to do something with me. She gose off and says that we are doing the one thing i hate to do ever...
      Makes me so fucking made.
Makes me want  to scream at her.
    Makes me want to cry.
Makes me feel like a idot for telling my friends "I can't hang out with you because i am going to hang out with my mom "
Makes me feel dumb that I told john ' I  have plans today i cant go to the moves with you because i am hanging out with my mom."
            Mom dosen't notice that all I wanted to do was go to the darn and groom the horses. 
Or go to the mall and walk around.
           Or take murphy with us and play with her.
Or anything els that dosen't invole her telling me right from wrong.
              Pisses me  off so fucking bad,
Some times i wish she could read what I type about her.
             So she can see what gose threw my fucking drama. Mind

Current Mood: bitchy

When the time gose by and I really think I can't beleave how lucky I am.
I am only the age of 14 and i am pretty smart of what i do and when i do it.
Thing is today i look Mr.C in the eyes today when he told me to and , he said "Sam your smart and talented,don't let people intemidat you to stop things you love. Cause i know you love band, You wouldn't ask so many questions!!"
That made me feel so great inside. All my worries about band when out the window you can say.
Because i felt that if one teacher say that to me and tells me to look them straight in the eye and tell me there serios about it.That tells me i did something right.That i did what i was supose to,I showed that one person i stick with what i need.It's just sometimes i need a little boost here and there.
Then today my mom said we are still going to do something Saterday.Mom i can tell dosen't like me dateing john but, it's ok cause she trust me.I wouldn't go fuck him or anything like that.I am just dateing him.
My mom brakes my heart all the time and she dosen't notice it.Nither dose my sister or brother or my step father.
 Thats otay though.I am happy were i am at. Danny can call me emo all he likes.Dose mean i am.
 Ya lattly i been a ass because everyone keeps bring up the past.I hate that.I really do.
Today was ok day. I didn't see john all day. Didn't really afect me at all.Being able to type what i feel helps a lot. 
My sister told me she would get me a journal.I totaly need one of those!!!! I mean ya i can't spell worth crap.But, i can think and feel.Thats all really what you need to be able to express yourself.
I am off to read my sister's stuff.
Love all
Hate none
Disagree a lot
sam.

Current Mood: cheerful

           Dear,  um mm ok lets make it Dear, Teachers

Watching the kids learn more and more. Watching our faces when we learn something so great and profound of our history. You make no sound.I saw each of  you look at us and see the beauty of teaching. That is what makes your life worth while. Watching all your kids, ones from home, or just ones you never know of. Amazing the look on you face with a huge smile tell use your satisfied.
            Makes one want to cry tears of joy worth my time.
Makes a child grow strong and proud of the teacher's that make who we are.
         Makes me want to cry when I have to say good bye.
For you have made me worth time.
            Doesn't  matter what subject you teach as long as you are there to make us smile and learn threw the entire year.
You make our lifes so much    easier
       Tears go by when I try to say something so  profound that has been in my mind all day.
I want to say something that makes you think of something so deep.
         The history of life has been made.
You the teacher's help in all ways.
        You showed the kids or teenagers they say.
That we can change the future in any way.
          A segment of my  gratitude gose to all teachers who have tryed so hard to teach us the past to prvent it in the future.
I put my eyes shut and see that i can be what i wan to be becuase of you.
        You don't just change my life but meany more along the row.
You change a person for the better good.
          So from one young soul to the next.
I wish you the best summer yet.
                                                                                No name is said.....

Current Mood: cheerful

                                              
           No good day. No i love you. No i cant help you. No i am sorry.No i want to be alone. No i cant stand you.No i need you. No stay for i need you to help me. No i am not sorry. No i know your heartless.No i can stand you. Yes i really need you. Yes i am sorry. YES I CAN'T BE WITH OUT YOU.no no no no no no no no no no no.......It's me thats better off without you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Current Mood: calm

                   Do tears go down my face because i am scared ?
                  Do I suck at being a friend a girl friend and a sister to my step brother.
Am I so wrong to worry so much of the ones I love.
                 Why can't I just not care. Be heartless.Never cry myself to sleep becuase I think of my family dieing. I love you can't you see. I love you my step brother my sister my father and mother. Can you not see you brake me when you are so mean.
          So mean that I cry becuase you make me think of who I am and that person called sam is so horrible words can not be spoken. Telling me I need to change. Telling me I need to look deep inside. Deep inside and think who I am and what i hate about myself and what I shouldn't like at all about myself.
       Do you not see when you make me think. You make me think nuthing good. That i feel of nuthing worthy to be spoken to. Do you not see that you love me but you show you hate me so much.
         So tears keep falling every night because I know who I am and that you don't like it. I am so sorry that I am so wrong of being me. But, what els do you want me to be? I can try to change if that is what needed for you to really show me you love me.
             Cause thats the only thing i want from you.
Is for you to show me that someone out there cares or maybe even loves me.For who i am.
               Not who you want me to be.....




Who i am.......
                   someone you talk to when you cry.
someone  you need when times get hard.
                    When hell comes your way you lean on.
One you never talk to. BUT YOU tell me everything in your oun way.
       careing
    loveible
     hateible
   scared
        mess
          wanna be
       not really that self as what you think i am....
       wishing of you 
    dearmer.
           ugly
      fat
            tall
         silent
                                             o and did i mention scared??
            dork
  nerd
         mean
nice
        normal
smart
         stupid
ME

                               Am i here becuase i am a lost cause that no one really thinks about
One that has such a big and deep heart that no one notices 
                           Or is it just me being full of myself i dout that 
Hard to say why i am here
                        All i do is help everyone out with there problems and when needed help blown off

Am i just a human here to help and nuthing more
                        One with such a cold but so worm heart
Is my soul goint to wonder the earth when i die because i didn't do what i was supose to down here???
                            Nuthing is ever wrong with me inless my sister tells me there is something wrong with me and that i need to change myself to be as "great of a person as she is".
                               Hard for me to answer because i love her and she's my role moddle and i look up to her when i need a helping hand.
                            Hard for me to say anything that will get stuck in her mind to let her know i love her so so much 
Hard for me to say anything becuase the people change the words around to offend them. 
                            Try not to talk for it gets you in trouble.
Try hard to listin but, not care to much.
                            Try hard never to feel emotions when one feels diffrent
Try hard not to tell people anything about myself.
                            Try hard to change myself so no one conplanes.
But, what about the people that liked me before i even thought to change.
                           What if there are people out there that like who i am.
That i gess dosen't matter because everyone knows how i should run my oun life
                             Dosen't matter becuase I have to change for them.
I have to be someone i don't want to be just for them.
                             So they like me
So they love me
                             So i wont be that forgotten color

Current Mood: calm

                                      Hate to say it with all my heart but, I know someday when i die no one will remeber me.
For all the smiles i have put on faces wont mean a darn thing.
                                    One who say they wont forget will.
For all the laughs of saying " i think i peed my shirt" or "monkey balls" will be all forgoten.
                                      No one will remeber no one will care for there is one less baker to take care of.
Saying this i wish i could put a few words in your mind that would make you remeber.
                                  But, no body wants the remeberins of one they cared about in there mind all the time.
I just want to be able to rely on someone to remeber me and pass one the info that i was alive ......        
                                    Just to remeber that one that was here that cant be forgoten cant be lost ....

Current Mood: weird

                
This is going to sound really dumb and don't tell me i am emagining everything ,don't tell me shit that i wont like cause i am going to tell you what i feel and what i see and what you don't see when i listin to the band or any music so just shut up and listin to what i have to say cause this is tword you danielle and you mom and you dad cause i want to tell you what i feel when i listin to my notes and my music and when i see the band play and what i see so lets get started. 
                 
  When I was in 6th grade i finaly found out that i want to be in the band forever and ever and be a dirctor of a band someday. Becuase when i hear sounds of notes and ruythms i want to cry. I started to today in school. When i hear sounds of note i see colors. All colors going together and looking so beautyful that it brings a tear to your eye. When i was in 6Th grade there was a concert for a french horn player being killed on his way to the last concert of the year. When the crashed happend everything went silent  but there was one player playing. A french horn player named biggins. Played the sweetest note for 2 1/2  min. 
             
The note made me think of the silents around the crash after they found out the boy had died.That there was all kinds of reds , blues,greens, blacks all in the background until the crash happened and they found out that young boy died. 
                
When that on french horn played i saw nuthing but a little white dot in the corner of my eye it grew bigger and bigger and started new colors. then at the end of the music all the colors went into like a hole and never returned. I still see the colors today and i love band for it. I wont ever quit becuase of that one night. That song when i was listining to it i had 2 tears go out my left eye.
              
Thats why i love band so so so so much no one would understand this and it made me really mad and when i told the lady that is supose to tell you stuff for adives in school Mr.Turner said she had never hurd but one other person say that to her that i saw colors when i listin to music. Mr. something i don't know his name. 

            But, sometime this week i will get to talk to the first person that wont think i am crazy for a change in my life that i am not the only crazy person that sees colors. I love band and now you hopefuly see why.
             It's a part of me and i love it so pleas don't be mean about it!!!!!! plz just understand!!!

MOM she is the best at times ya i lover her i know that so don't tell me i am all wrong about what i am going to say.
             She wont beleave me when i say Don is bullying me
She wont beleave me when i tell her i am sad or why i am crying'
           Lattly all she dose is roll her eyes and say nuthing and watch the t.v
I wish she would read this and give a chanse of liveing life to the fullist
               Stay home and study yes i did i got all a's no my math homework and all a's on my L.A. homework i worked hard on it and i got the grades like i told her i would. But she didn't beleave me or she just turned around and watched more t.v. and didn't listin. I try to tell her how school is going but , when i am talking to her all she dose is look at the t.v. now tell me if i did that i wouldn't get in trouble. I try hard to be close to her but she wont let me any closer then i am. And the closes i am to her is when i say Thanks when she cooks dinner. When she wants to do the barn i say i will do it with you so at least i can say i hang out mom but , thats a lie too. I just she would let me go to johns tommaro too. All we would be doing is hanging and she says "no " and i ask why and she says "I don't have to have a reason to say no" 
            My grade are bad for what i use to have ya because things are getting harder for to do and when i ask for HER help she says go ask  dad. The only time i talk to my mom is when she's awake cooking watching  t.v. or when we are watchin t.v. in her room.Witch really sucks cause all she tells me to do is dont' start it. 
          Makes me feel like shit when she wont listin. Mr.Carpender listins to me more then my mom dose. My sister listins more then she dose. My sister could be a fill in for my mom any day. 
         I love her but, she wants more out of me then i can give her. She wants me to be just like my sister. Nuthing like step brother and nuthing like my real bother and dad. 
         She wants me to be smart and i am to a surtant point. The hard thing is for me .
Is that i love someone so much 
        That dosen't try to know anything about me.
She's my mom she should be closer then she now. 
        I LOVE HER TO DEATH
AND SHE LOVES ME 
       SHE JUST DOSEN'T HAVE THE BEST WAY TO SHOW IT.

Current Mood: crappy

                        so mad as the title shows you all i do is give advise to my friends and all in returne there asswholes to me. 
Nope i cant leave them cause that means they cry and mone and alll that shit sometime i could just kill them.
                      When there in hard times i help them out but if sam is haveing a hard time she is made fun of and laughed at and then asked to fucking help someone els. I am so fucking tired of people saying how my life is and that i am just full of myself. I ain't that dumb ya i ain't That dumb not meaning i aren't.
                    If i am so dumb as meany say WHY DO MY FRIENDS COME TO ME WHEN THEY NEED SOMEONE.
DUDE I CANT EVEN GO TO MY MOM FOR HELP CAUSE ALL SHE DOSE is bring up my real dad or my real brother witch i don't want to have any part in any more. And all she dose is say i am just wrong i shouldn't  think like that and i should just move on and forget about it. SORRY I THOUGHT ABOUT SOMETHING AND I HAVE TO THINK HARD ABOUT IT FOR IT TO REALLY MAKE ME CRY. drama yes every fucking kid has it. SO I AM ALOUD TO OK. 
                  So if your so mad at me DON'T COME TO ME FOR FUCKING HELP ANY MORE. cause i am just a dumb 14 year-old that knows nuthing but drama!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Current Mood: crappy

Ever felt like you think everyone is out to get you. Every teenager thinks that is what everyone says. It's true everyone thinks that like everyone thinks of life is they could go back in time. Or if they were never born. Maybe you thought about killing yourself.Step dad always say you and step brother, sister, and all other kids think about it. I never have. I have to much in life to worry about. School isn't hard for most but, for me yes it is. BAND i have to stay in it. I have to i want to be able to say i am good at what i love. People say i talk about it to much. It's because there to bizzy talking about themselfs then even really listin to what the words are that come out of my mouth.
People just laugh and tell me i am stupid for crying when i do. Or the that person that even thinks about me changes the subject to themselfs.That pisses me off yes it dose in deed. Dreams of killing people come to mind when some just get on my last never. But heyy i am young only 14 i cant get mad i ain't aloud to. I ain't aloud to say ain't and i am mostly not aloud to be happy. Any of that emotion comes out you in deep shit for a fact.
Sister,brother,step dad,mom and the animals just say shut the fuck up and get over yourself. Every time i do i just TRY to keep my mouth shut but that never works. Hate my life NO NOT WHAT I SAID AT ALL. i love life to think of it i am afraid of death. Ya i shouldn't be becuase i am going to heaven but the pain is what scares me,the fact i might forget my sister, my set dad and brother and my mom. That is what scares me not the fact of dieing but, the pain and the fact i really don't want to forget the ones i love truely.
Try hard not to think cause that gets you in trouble most of the time. So no one can see your emotion. The first time you show emotion infront of a friend or family they take it all wrong. And i also hate that.
Ya it sounds like i hate a lot but, i really don't hate everything at all. I just don't agree with everything.

Current Mood: amused